“磕鹽人”和”考試人”的心理建設太重要了

平均績點、保研排位、工作面試、甚至考試複習進度似乎都能輕而易舉地引起人們的互相比較。

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把自己與他人相對比,在恰當的情形下會激發動力。但在很多時候,比較會引發更多負面情緒。

而且,活在比較之中可能是很多人成長中的背景色。

When we are kids, we are constantly being compared to others. Our parents may compare us to our siblings. Our teachers probably compared us to other students. Kids compared us to other kids.

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小時候,我們經常被人拿來和別人比較。我們的父母可能會把我們和兄弟姐妹們相比,老師可能會把我們和其他學生相比,小孩兒會把我們和其他小孩兒相比。

Those comparisons created either a sense of humiliation or a sense of pride. Either way, it has become second-nature. Everything we’d done has been followed by looking around and seeking validation.

這些比較產生了一種羞辱感或者自豪感。不論如何,拿自己和他人作比較已經成了自然而然的事情。我們每做完一件事,就會四下觀察,從別人身上尋找一種確認感。

國外知乎Quora上,網友Miranda Young敘述的初中經歷可能會讓很多人有同感。

During junior high, there was one girl who was super smart, A++++ student. Teachers adored her, praised her, she received awards, special privileges, had opportunities presented to her and no one else, etc.

初中的時候,有一個超級聰明的女孩,老是拿一堆A+。老師們喜歡她,表揚她,她因此能得到獎勵和特權,有機會也給她而不會給別人,等等等等。

We all knew she was special and we were not. The message of recognition for her exceptional intelligence was translated differently to the rest of the youth. I had a teacher once say “if more students were like her, we would have a more productive school”, even though those were the words spoken, I interpreted them as “she is a good student, you are not. You are the reason why this school isn’t living up to its potential”.

我們都知道她很特別,自己卻資質平平。對於剩下的年輕小孩來說,對她非凡聰明才智的認可可能會被理解成另一番意思。曾經有一位老師說過:“要是能有更多學生跟她一樣的話,咱們學校可就會更厲害了。”原話雖然聽不出來啥,但我的理解卻是:“她是個好學生,你不是。你就是我們學校沒能發揮潛力的原因。”

受到這種不當比較的困擾,答主思考出了幾個應對的辦法:客觀地觀照自身的感受等等。

❶ Acknowledge there are people out there who are better, smarter, prettier, richer, nicer, etc. more than you.

要承認世界上就是有人比你更厲害、更聰明、更漂亮、更富有、更友好等等。

❷ Acknowledge how you feel when you compare, or someone else compares you to someone else.

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對於自己比較或者被人拿去和別人比較時的情緒,要承認並接納它們的存在。

❸ Do not try to be more like the smartest student, be the smartest version of you.

不要費力不討好地去追趕那個最聰明的學生,要去成爲最聰明的那個你。

大一新生爲同學和老師製作“專屬禮物”

❹ Increase self-esteem. Usually, when I feel good about myself, I tend not to be as affected by someone else’s success.

樹立自信和自我滿足。通常來說,如果我對自己感到滿意,我就不會那麼容易受到其他人成功的影響。

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有人認爲基礎教育階段的學生更容易陷入被比較的漩渦,壓力來自父母、同學、老師等等。

那,是不是人的年紀越大,就越能掙脫將自己與他人比較的枷鎖呢?

答案是否定的。

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著名科學期刊《自然》雜誌在其官網職業專欄刊登了一篇在讀博士學生的文章,讀者發現,原來“奔三”的博士候選人們也逃不開與他人作比較的煩惱。

作者的焦慮源泉來自於和其他博士生比較時,自己的研究項目進展緩慢。

Midway through my psychology PhD program at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, I felt that I lacked whatever magical ability is required to finish and publish a project. It seemed as though other graduate students were authoring several papers in the time it took me to complete a single experiment. I worked as hard as I could, but my progress seemed to be incremental compared with theirs.

在紐約伊薩卡的康奈爾大學攻讀心理學博士的中途,我感到自己缺乏完成和發表一個項目所需的任何神奇能力。就好像其他的研究生們在我完成一個實驗的時間裏就寫了好幾篇論文。我已經很盡力地在努力工作了,但與他們相比,我的進步似乎還只是寸進。

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求助了導師,人家給她點出了她的研究的特殊之處——比方說研究對象不同、分析方法不同、乃至技能組合的差異都會導致最終耗時的巨大差異。

When I shared these concerns with my adviser, she had a different take on the situation. “You’re not doing anything wrong,” she assured me, “you’re just pursuing a different kind of research.”

導師聽了我說的這些擔憂之後,對於這個情況,她給了一個不同的角度:“你啥也沒做錯啊。” 她叫我放心:“你只是做的研究本就與人家的不同。”

Some researchers mine Twitter for data or collect responses from thousands of online participants over the course of just a couple of days. But lifespan researchers often collect more detailed and open-ended responses from one person at a time.

有些研究人員就是花幾天時間在推特上挖數據或者是在網絡上搜集數千個研究被試者的反饋。但是那些花上將近一輩子來做某項研究的研究人員通常一次需要從一個被試者那裏蒐集更具體的且未經引導的反饋數據。

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A project I am working on, for example, involves analyzing interviews with 138 people recruited from our local community. Recording, transcribing and coding so much interview data can take months, if not years.

比方說我正在做的一個項目就需要我分析對本地社區招募的138個參與者的採訪。要錄音、要轉寫、然後還要給這些採訪數據編碼,要花上數月甚至數年。

The research I do differs from most social-science research in other ways, too — from the funding, personnel and equipment needed to collect new data, to the skills, permissions and access required to obtain and analyze them.

我的研究跟大多數社會科學的研究也有其他方面的不同——資金方面、人員方面、蒐集數據所要用到的設備、以及獲取和分析這些數據所需要的技能、許可、准入等等。

當然,“與人比較”本身並不是一件壞事。疏導得當,興許是一劑助力。

Quora答主Venus Souls就細數了這其中的道理。

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Comparing yourself to others is not necessarily a bad thing.

把自己與他人做比較並非一定是壞事。

When you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, get curious about the feeling that is being triggered. Is it jealousy? Is it obsession? Is it admiration? Is it love? Is it inspiration? Your triggered feelings will give you a clue as to what is going on within you.

當你發覺自己在和別人作比較,那你就得知道當下你的情緒是什麼樣的。是嫉妒嗎?是迷戀?是傾慕?是愛?還是啓發?瞭解自己被激發出來的情緒有助於你發掘自己腦子裏的真正想法。

Most likely, you are jealous because you wish you had what it takes to achieve what the other has achieved or to have what they have. Get curious and figure out why you still don’t have it and what would it take to get there.

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大概率你會產生嫉妒感,因爲你希望擁有那些能幫助你取得類似他人成就的資源,或者是直接擁有這些成就。動動腦子想想看,爲什麼你還沒能取得這些成就,以及要怎樣做才能獲得它們。

藕裏有泥,三招處理

It is never a good idea to make yourself wrong for comparing yourself to others or to make yourself wrong for not getting where you wish to be.

永遠不要覺得把自己跟別人作比較是一件壞事,也不要因爲自己沒能達到預期的成就而懊惱。

But if all this comparison mounts to is bitter jealousy, then your problem is bigger than a simple comparison. Always bear in mind that your only competition is the one in the mirror and—believe me—it is the toughest competition of all.

不過,如果這種比較激發的是仇憤的嫉妒感,那你的問題可能比一個單純的比較大得多。要記住,你永遠是在跟“鏡中人”比較——相信我,這纔是最難的競爭。

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“打工人”也好,“考試人”也罷,與人競爭時是難免會陷入比較的。

根據自身實際情況,篩選有可比較性的對手,可以幫助節省一大部分情緒精力。

接着,正確處理比較時的感覺和情緒,承認它們的存在,而後置之一旁。

最後,集中精力與“鏡中你”對話,去發現進步。